Sunday May 12th, Mother's Day.
Today I cried, not just a tear or two, but I broke down weeping like a baby. It was meant to be a joyous time.
A wonderful family from Chinese Grace Bible Church was so loving that they offered to drive Lillian's parents and the kids out to come see us to celebrate Mother's Day together. We were so touched by their kindness. We got to see our kids again. Of course, I was in a wheelchair, couldn't play ball, couldn't run and chase, couldn't help them with their food. I was literally half a man. But they were here. It felt so good to hold them one at a time on my good lap, embrace them with my one good arm, and just hold them.
But then it happened. My daughter knew it was time to go and she began to cry, which made my wife cry, and then I completely lost it. I couldn't stop the emotional pain, and the rage was incomprehensible. My wife left with the others to help get the kids in their carseats for the long drive home. I asked her to close the door behind her. Before the door completely closed, I tried to let out a scream, a wail, thinking I could release some of the anguish deep inside of me, but the stroke had affected my vocal chords. I heard a yelp, like a dog getting hit by a car, and then silence. A welling up of pain so great that even though my face was contorted, no sound came out. I just sat in my wheelchair, completely helpless in a silent scream.
I'm reminded of the Apostle Paul. He was a crazy man. He says in Philippians that he wanted to know Jesus to such a great extent that he even wanted to enter into the fellowship of Jesus' sufferings (Philippians 3:10). To know Christ's power? Sure. To know His love? Of course. To know His forgiveness? By all means. But to join with Him in His sufferings? That's crazy. Yet, here I was, trying to scream, looking for something to break, staring at the pictures of my kids that my wife had taped up around my room, completely and absolutely helpless to stop the pain of separation. And yet, there I was, experiencing just a tiny fraction of the pain of Jesus on the cross.
I don't think Jesus' greatest pain was the scourging at the hands of the Romans, the spikes driven through His hands and feet, nor the crown of thorns pressed into His brow. I think that His greatest pain, hanging there between heaven and earth as a disfigured and humiliated human being, was when He cried out, "Eli Eli lama sabachthani?" "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" He, who was with God from eternity past, was separated from God the Father. Upon Jesus was placed your sin, my sin, and the sin of the entire human race past, present, and future. The Bible tells us He became sin on our behalf, and God the Father had to turn away because He could not bear to even look at His own begotten son. Separated. Cut off. Fellowship for the first time ever, broken. For the very first time in Jesus' eternal life, His Father abandoned Him, utterly alone.
I'm so grateful the story didn't end there. On the 3rd day, in the morning, while it was still dark, God did something that would shatter all of time and history and change the destiny of the human race. Jesus rose victoriously from the grave. No one can point to the bones or remains of Jesus. The angels said, "Why are you looking for the living among the dead? He is not here. He is risen." Alive. Personally appearing to over 500 eyewitnesses, our champion comes back from the dead, proving unequivocally that death, hell, and the devil are forever defeated. All who put their faith and trust in Him, likewise, will conquer the grave. There will be a great reunion in Heaven where we will be together with all those who have gone before us and there will be no sickness, death, tears, pain, and goodbyes.
For me, I promised Micah I would play Candyland and Wii bowling with him when I go home. I will see Him soon. But the bigger picture is that for those of us who know Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, we will dwell in God's mansion in Heaven forever and ever without end.
My deepest desire for all of you is that you and your loved ones know the assurance of where you will spend your eternity. Jesus says, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6) Please, if you haven't given your heart to Jesus yet, don't wait. Do it now.
Love you all,
Tim