The Doldrums. Around the equator, sailors are notoriously afraid of the Doldrums. It's where the intense heat of the direct sun causes the air currents to go straight up, and very little wind at all moves across the ocean. That's kind of what I feel like now. The last few days and weeks, I've experienced increasing pain in my back and shoulders. I'm grateful for the progress God has given me, but sometimes it seems awfully slow. I tried to pick out a left-handed scale on the piano, and what was once effortless, now is ridiculously beyond difficult. The Doldrums: no steady wind to keep me going, no brisk breeze moving me quickly over metaphorical waves; any rapid progress grinding to a painful halt. Doldrums.

 

My wife's favorite part in a movie is the montage. In a montage, there is a significant period of time that is captured by brisk action sequences with motivational music. Often, it displays slow and painstaking growth that takes place through sheer determination and effort. I often wish life was like a montage, but people say it's more like a marathon. They are probably right. I get it. Patience and perseverance, right? But why does it have to take SO LONG? I have a therapist, who in a very belittling tone, told me that walking was not at all important, that it was all about strength training! I wish she was right. I wish that with just my intense human effort, I could will my muscles to do what I want them to do, and it would just be one big inspiring montage.

 

However, it's not that simple.Trying to play a scale with my left hand is like trying to type with your fingers duct taped together and your hand in an oven mitt, and then just for kicks, have someone drop a hammer onto your fingers so they're swollen, black, and blue. Oh yes, then try to do it stone drunk. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I simply hit an invisible wall. It's like there is simply nothing there.

 

Now if current theories about neuroplasticity or neuroregeneration are correct, then that kind of makes sense. The pathways that were there before simply are not... and so the brain has to blaze new trails through wilderness territory. If that is so, then strength training really is a misnomer because it's the brain that has to do the work. I find that what was simply impossible a week ago strangely becomes assessable today. Now, my will and desire has not changed in a course of a week, the only difference is Time. It seems that my brain just needed time to connect the dots. It reminds me of that old Supremes song: "You can't hurry love, You just have to wait, 'Cause love don't come easy, No it's a game of give-and-take." 

 

There's more truth to that song than first meets the eye (or ear). The Bible tells us that God is love (1 John 4:8). And when all is said and done, it is ultimately God (Love) who will bring me back to health in His time. Sure, I can do my part, but then it is He who needs to change the cells in my brain so I can access the faculties the stroke has stripped from me. Since God is Love, I can then take a fresh look at 1 Corinthians 13. "Love is patient, love is kind ...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails," and neither does my God. When I feel like I've hit a wall and there is no wind to fill my sails, I must trust that somehow, some way, God will make the impossible possible. "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." - Isaiah 43:19 

 

During these times of "the Doldrums," perhaps I need to learn to rest in His timing and care. "The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul." - Psalm 23. The tough question I need to answer is - Do I trust him? Even when progress is excruciatingly slow and I've exhausted all remnants of energy, do I trust my Shepherd?