Some days, I feel pretty great. When I’m surrounded by friends or out having a good time, I can almost forget about the aches and pains, discomfort and disabilities, and I feel almost like myself. Usually after exerting myself though, I pay for it. The fatigue is profound. I’m overwhelmingly tired. I want to move parts of my body, but I can’t. When I do move, it feels as though I’m trying to run through wet cement. It’s so uncomfortable, I just want to go somewhere else, but of course I can’t, because it’s still my body. In addition, I don’t know if this is common, but I have these crazy aches and pains as if my muscles were all out of alignment and cramping at the same time.
In talking with people who have had strokes, or those who have had family members with strokes, often older people can’t come back. I’ve heard it said that they just don’t want to try. It’s just too hard. I understand that now. Honestly, if I was 25 years older without little children, if the stroke had affected my right hand or severely affected my speech, I can see how I would want to just give up. This is the longest and most difficult challenge of my life. I can’t remember the last time I had a bowl of rice or even experienced a day without pain, and still I don’t see the results I would like. But praise God, there are a few things that keep me going.
One is that my family is young. Giving up is not an option. Their smiles and squeals of delight, and even their misbehavior and tantrums are all motivations for me to keep going, to get stronger, to get healthy. Who will be strong enough to discipline Jojo if I’m gone?!
Two, is that even though the day-to-day progress is excruciating at times and often disappointing, praise God, when I look back, I see the progress God has given me. My wife reminded me that at the rehab hospital, when a therapist told me to lift my arm, I wound up slapping myself in the face because I was so weak! Today, even though I still can’t play the piano, I can lift my hand. I can supinate and pronate my arm. I even opened a bag of pretzels for my boy (though I have to admit my forearm was throbbing in pain afterwards).
Thirdly, as I mentioned in a previous blog – this stroke is now my calling. That’s the only way I can survive this with my sanity intact. It is said that God gives us life as a test and a trust. A test to see if we can be loyal and faithful to Him, and a trust to see what we can do with what God has given us. For my first 50 years, I was given many gifts, abilities, and talents that I admit, I took for granted. It is true that you don’t miss something until it’s gone. I suppose one thing that I miss most, is the simple ability to pick up my children and hold them close. Little things, that when they’re gone, they show themselves to be truly priceless.
Now at least for the time being, a lot of those things are gone, but my mission in life remains the same. Will I be faithful? Can I be trustworthy with what God has decided to give me now? I could spend my time lamenting over all of the things that I can no longer do, or I can choose to celebrate the gifts, responsibilities, and resources that I have now, and be faithful in this moment. If I believe that God is good and loves me, then, I believe that anything God allows in my life, can and will work out for my good (Romans 8:28). It’s easy to think that God is good when you have more, but it’s a real test of what you believe about God when you are forced to live with less.
Lastly, let me share again, a passage of Scripture with you that has been my hope and prayer for almost 5 months now. Psalm 103:2-5 says:
Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Notice the Psalmist says not to forget all God’s benefits. Those of us who have grown up in the church are often comfortable with some of God’s benefits, but not all. For instance, some Christians profess absolute certainty that God forgives their sins, but wonder if He is able to heal all their diseases.
Others make the claim that God has the ability to heal physical diseases, but quietly struggle with the scars, demons, and addictions of their past. Some may dress up nice for church and sing all the songs, yet when calamity strikes, they don’t go to God to redeem their life and crown them with love and compassion. Generally speaking, I believe that Psalm 103 is applicable for all God’s people. How about you? As for me, I want to embrace every single one of God’s benefits.
Thank you for your prayers.