It’s kind of cliche, but sometimes all of this feels like a nightmare. I think I’m going to wake up and all of this will be a dream, and I will be myself again. Sometimes I really really miss what I used to be. I miss walking without the fear of falling down. I miss being able to carry my kids with just my left arm. I miss waking up feeling good, without pain and discomfort. I miss sticky rice, crispy croissants, and chewy noodles.
I remember once before the stroke, we were all watching TV and my boy said something that every dad would cherish. There was an acrobat on a slack-line, upside-down, doing some impossible feat, and Micah remarked, “My Daddy can do that!” At that time, he thought I could do anything. Now, he’s well aware that I have limitations. Sometimes he even asks, “Are you sure you can do that with your stroke, Daddy?” It hurts. I pray for healing … again. And as much as I would love to wake up miraculously healed, so far every morning, I wake up with the harsh reality that all this has not been a dream. I had a debilitating, life-changing stroke, and that is my life for now.
I can see how easy it would be for stroke victims to give into depression. “You’ve lost too much, it’s just too hard. Things will never be the same. It’s hopeless!” If you have been following along, you might have heard me say that this stroke is now my calling. That’s the only perspective that will get me through this. I have to accept the fact that God, in His infinite love and wisdom, has allowed me to experience this crippling disability, and as much as I would like, I can’t simply wish, or even pray it away. What I wouldn’t give to have an undo-button, a mulligan, or some kind of free pass! But it looks like the only way to get past this is to put my head down and go through.
Thus, the title of this blog. I’m learning that the key for me is to Acknowledge, Admit, Accept, and Align. Let me explain. The first step is to Acknowledge. Yes, acknowledge that it was God Himself who allowed this calamity to occur. Yes, He could have prevented it, but He didn’t. No matter how I got here, I’m here and no amount of denial, wishful thinking, or spiritual pixie dust is going to change that. I have to embrace the fact that my Heavenly Father permitted this and that somehow, some way, He’s actually going to make it turn out for my benefit. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28.
Furthermore, my Father knows my limits. The Bible says He will not allow us to endure more than we can bear, but will always provide a way of escape (1 Corinthians 10:13 NET). I can be confident in the midst of any tempest, in spite of my feelings, the storm will pass, and when I cannot bear any more, Jesus will show up and whisper those words my heart longs to hear, “Peace! Be still!” (Mark 4:38-40 ESV). Acknowledge that even though circumstances may be difficult, any suffering is momentary (2 Corinthians 4:17) and joy will come in the morning (Psalm 30:5 NKJV).
Secondly, I need to Admit my honest feelings before God. We are created emotional beings and it is not healthy or prudent to pretend we are stalwart and stoic when we are in truth, hurt, angry, or fearful. If you look at the books of poetry in the Bible, you’ll find many authors who pour out their hearts before God. King David, Jeremiah, and others would bare their raw emotions of anger, frustration, and grief (Psalm 42:3). God knows our thoughts and feelings before we do, and He is not afraid of them. Telling God how I feel is not only cathartic, but a necessary part of confession and being honest before Him. Before I deal with any negative feelings, I need to admit that the emotions are there. Denial is not a Fruit of the Spirit! (Galatians 5:22-23). Believe me, this past year has been full of very negative emotions!
This might be a good place for us to pause and reflect. Do you find yourself under circumstances that you would not have chosen? Do you feel like a victim of unfortunate events or even of another’s malice? Are you suffering because of another person’s betrayal or irresponsibility? Or maybe you are simply waiting and waiting for God to answer a prayer, but continue to receive nothing but silence. Take heart, you may be confused, but God is not! He knows exactly where you are, what He’s doing, and how He’s going to fix it. Recently, I received a card with three little words on the front, “God’s got this.” In other words, Acknowledge that even the evil that others may intend for you cannot touch you unless it was allowed by God Himself (Genesis 50:20). And that very God can, and will, turn your circumstances around for good – Your good. (Deuteronomy 23:5 NASB). Then, Admit. Have a time of confession where you cry out to God. Let him know your deepest feelings, after which you can confess your faith and trust that He is going to work things out in His perfect time. God’s got this. He really does.
More next blog.
For those of you who might be interested, Tim will be speaking on “Making the Most of Your Opportunities” this Friday, 7:30pm, at Chinese Grace Bible Church (6656 Park Riviera Way, Sacramento, CA). They will meet upstairs, in the Education Building. Though it is a youth event, people of all ages are more than welcome.