First of all, thank you all for your prayers concerning last Friday, and a special thank you to those of you who came out to see me at Grace Bible Church. We had a great time, even though I confess I was a little bit nervous since it was the first time I had addressed a youth group for quite a long time (and the first time post-stroke). Still, God was gracious and we had many young people pray to dedicate themselves to God in the area of using their time wisely. Please pray for us as we will be going back again next month.
Last time, I mentioned four key words which I believe will be crucial if I am going to be successful in dealing with this stroke. Acknowledge, Admit, Accept, and Align. First, I must Acknowledge that my circumstances, even terrible ones, are permitted by God Himself. This declaration of trust will create a crucial ingredient – Hope; hope that will get me through this. Then, I need to Admit my feelings before God, even the negative ones. This is the only way I will be able to deal with the frustration, anger, and depression, and replace them with positive energy.
Thirdly, (and this is what I’m wrestling with now) I’m realizing that I need to Accept my situation personally, as God’s will for my life. Frankly, I want this to be over with, NOW. For almost 10 months, I’ve asked for miraculous healing. Yet, God has said no. “No, my child, but I will walk with you through this pain.” Honestly, that’s not the answer I want. What I really want to hear is, “Ok, Tim, since you’ve been a pretty good boy, I’ll just snap my fingers and tomorrow morning you’ll have your old life back.” But maybe God wants to let this linger. Toe-to-toe, blow-by-blow, He wants me to tough it out, not go around, over, or under, but through this storm.
Recently, I’ve been trying to play actual music on the piano. Not Rachmaninoff, not Chopin, not even Bach. I’m trying to play John Thompson’s, “Teaching Little Fingers to Play,” the first book I learned as a child. You have to understand, I entered as a piano major when I studied music in college. I graduated with a degree in vocal performance, and I was a professional worship pastor for a number of years in a San Francisco multiethnic church that prided itself on worship. To now struggle with a child’s beginning book is beyond humbling. It is surreal. I’ve been told by an occupational therapist that I will never play the piano again and I can understand why. There is just too much lost ground to recover, and the truth is that my 5-year-old son has better coordination and dexterity than I do at this point.
My left hand feels swollen and stiff, as if it were wearing a brand new catcher’s mitt. I have a hard time just placing a finger on the desired piano key, as if there was a built-in negative polarity pushing my digits from their intended target. It is enough to drive one mad. Often, I think it would be easier just to give up on music altogether, and this I would, if it were not for the expressed desires of my two children. Micah wants to “play drums for our family band,” and Jojo wants to “dance with the microphone.” What can I do? I just want all of this to go away.
I see this playing out in one of three ways: Resentment, Resignation, or Resolution. Even if I accept that this is directly allowed by God, it does not mean I will always choose a healthy course of action. Let me explain. My natural response is Resentment. I love to complain, rant, and rave; call down hellfire and brimstone. My poor wife can attest to this. The problem with resentment is that it is always counterproductive to receiving whatever blessings God wants for me. It serves only to fuel my anger instead of solving any problems. Paul talks about the benefits of not complaining when he says, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, …then you will shine among them like stars in the sky…” – Philippians 2:14-15.
There is a second trap we can fall into when we have to accept negative realities: Resignation. I can passively give up and resign myself to defeat. Things are hopeless … forever. Obviously, this attitude is not Biblical, as seen in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And let’s not forget Jesus’ words that remind us, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible,” -Matthew 19:26. Maybe a “Never say die,” attitude is part of the reason why some people continue to get better after a stroke and some don’t. Who knows? All I know is that God promises that the power that raised Jesus from the dead is alive and at work within every believer (Romans 8:11). That means I have access to the very power of Almighty God to transform my life to what He wants me to be.
So if resentment and resignation are not the ways to go, what else is there? Healthy acceptance of my circumstances means that I must make a Resolution to bring about positive change using all my God-given resources, even if those resources are limited. I must resolve to improve myself each day even if the increments may be small. I may enjoy looking for new ways to serve God. Thus, I need to change in response to my new realities, accepting new assignments from God, being willing to redefine my measure of success. For example, I used to be the Worship Pastor for a church of hundreds. I supervised and trained numerous worship teams along with dancers, fine artists, even chefs. Every week, people heard me play and sing. Recently, I joined my wife in leading my son’s little Pre-K class in worship. Hearing them praise God with abandon brought me more tears of joy than I can remember. Whether I achieve notoriety, praise, or success in the eyes of my fellow man is not the issue; whether or not I am faithful to God is.
This reminds me of the story of the optimistic boy and his sadistic uncle who wanted to teach his starry-eyed nephew a lesson in real life. The uncle decided to give his nephew a big pile of manure for his birthday. After discovering the stinking mess, the lad, to his uncle’s surprise, grabs a shovel and immediately starts attacking the mound with gleeful enthusiasm. When inquired concerning his strange behavior, the boy replied, “With all of this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
Unlike the mean-spirited uncle, God is truly a loving heavenly parent. The Bible says He is the Father of Lights and a Giver of good gifts (James 1:17). Can I believe this even with the stink burning in my nostrils? Resentment and Resignation will only keep me from God’s blessings.
Lastly, to successfully deal with this stroke, I must Align myself with God’s agenda, not my own. I’m still trying to figure this one out, so more to come on this next time.
Please pray that I will not resist the Potter’s hand, but embrace His perfect plan for my life. There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!