Thank you so much for reading our blogs and praying for me and my family. God has been providing all of our needs in response to your faithful prayers.
As I was saying in the previous blogs, in order for me to get through this trial, I need to get all A’s. What I mean is, Acknowledge that nothing can touch me unless it passes through God’s loving hand first, Admit my honest feelings before Him, Accept my circumstances as a challenge that I must face, and finally, Align myself to God’s way of doing things.
Ironically, this last step may be the most difficult because it requires the most sustained effort. Now, I am very grateful for how far the Lord has brought me since those early days in the rehab center when I was wheelchair-bound and helpless, my left hand limp and lifeless. Ten months ago, I couldn’t even move my left arm without my wife taking hold of me like a puppeteer with a marionette. Thank God He didn’t leave me there, but instead has been slowly, gradually, sometimes imperceptibly healing me. I find it is this less-than-snail’s pace that I wrestle with as I align myself with His agenda and not my own.
One of the most difficult things for me is redefining success. As a performance major in college, I was trained to sound … good. Pleasing, polished, powerful, that was the aim. As a professional worship leader, it was my job to train, rehearse, demonstrate, conduct, teach, to lead by example. Success was measured by services, concerts, and programs all attempted in the pursuit of excellence.
Now after the stroke, although I’m very thankful I can (with increased effort) walk and speak intelligibly, it remains an exercise of great humility to try to sing or play the piano. There’s simply no way for me to sound “good,” in any sense of the word. When I compare what I was able to do a year ago to what I sound like now, it is enough to cripple me in despair. Psychologically, it’s more than I can handle. To survive and to be obedient to God, I have to develop a new measuring stick.
I believe it was Mother Teresa who is credited with saying, “God has not called us to success, but to faithfulness.” It is faithfulness then, that must be my measurement of personal success, more so now than ever before. No longer must I aim to sound flawless or moving. No, my goal is just to get to the end of the musical exercise having put my fingers on the (mostly) correct keys. No longer can I expect to make a pleasing sound when I open my mouth. Now, it’s good just to make any sound. Never before has that old joke about making a joyful noise to the Lord been more appropriate! Before, I counted success by the hundreds of adults in attendance. Now, it’s by the handful of preschoolers to whom I pass out goldfish crackers. Before, I measured my success by the numbers of hands raised when I gave an invitation. Now it’s by the little hands I hold as I cross the street. Before, I prided myself on teaching 3 or 4 times a day during a conference. Now, I celebrate if I take one more trip up the stairs before giving into fatigue. This redefining of success (at times a jagged little pill,) is part of aligning myself with God’s new agenda for me. The ultimate goal of course (for all of us,) is to be like Jesus Christ.
I’m reminded of Proverbs 3:5,6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
I would have never chosen to endure a stroke in a million years, nor would I have chosen a long and grueling rehabilitation process. Honestly, I still have no direct promise from God that I’m going to have 100% recovery. I pray for and hope that God will completely restore me someday, but I have no Divine guarantee. I just have to trust Him with all my heart that He knows what He is doing, even when I don’t. His ways are perfect, even when they’re shrouded in mystery. Please continue to remember us in your prayers.
There’s an old song that goes:
His strength is perfect, when our strength is gone,
He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on
Raised in His power, the weak become strong
His strength is perfect
His strength is perfect
(https://youtu.be/sO-7OZJ17M0)
“A journey of a thousand miles begins (er,…continues) with just one step.”