Last night, I dreamt I was normal.
Sometimes it’s hard just to go on. Lately, I wake up every morning in pain. Getting out of bed feels like trying to take a swim in wet cement. Simple tasks have the emotional equivalent of trying to move a brick wall with my face. Vertigo is my ever-present nemesis. By the end of the day, fatigue comes over me so thick, so oppressive, that I can’t avoid thinking it would be so much easier to just give up. During these times, a lifeline has been Isaiah 52:10.
I hear that some stroke victims never improve. Others rebound relatively quickly. For me, it has been a year and a half of agonizingly slow progress. I still long to be even half of what I used to be. I miss the ability to make music so badly, at least music that doesn’t remind one of a squealing pig!
Yet, as I look back, there is ample evidence of God’s grace. Imperceptible from day to day, but looking back over the months, I have experienced great healing and improvement as well as kindness and generosity from so many.
For the longest time, I felt like an old one-armed kung fu warrior hobbling around on a cane. Now, I’m using my awkward left hand in little ways. I can cook and scrub pans in the sink. I can care for my children, making them quesadillas, chicken nuggets, and green onion pancakes. I can help my son with his schoolwork. I can wipe bottoms after potty.
I dare to drive my kids around WITHOUT my wife, taking trips to the grocery or the local donut shop. (No donuts for me though!) There are glimmers of hope among the heartaches.
I wanted instantaneous healing SO BADLY, but it seems God wants this time for my refining [1 Peter 1:7]. That’s the problem with character building, it doesn’t come cheap. It must cost us Pain and Time. We hate the first and hate to part with the second. But we must endure, if quality of character, more precious than gold, is our goal.
Rather, God’s goal. Honestly, I would have NEVER chosen such training in patience and pain. I’d just as soon be taken to heaven in all my inglorious human immaturity! But, God often has a different, but better agenda than our own. [Isaiah 55:9]. It reminds me of Joseph in the Bible where God silently allowed such betrayal and trauma into his life, only years later, to work it all out for the benefit of many. [Genesis 50:20]
But back to hope among the heartaches. How is God getting me through this furnace of testing? At first, I thought my young family was the reason I couldn’t give up. I felt I had no choice but to improve, by God’s grace, for their sake. It certainly would’ve been easier for me to die! But now looking back, I can see that God used them to produce healing in my life. Without compelling me to serve them, I would have given up long ago and would never have made the progress I did.
God knew exactly what I needed to keep me going. By “living” for them, they have given me new life! By making it challenging along the way, God is trying to teach me to be tougher, more compassionate, and more sensitive to other’s struggles. By serving my family at home (during Covid-19), I’m enjoying a closer relationship with my kids than ever before.
The Devil may have meant it for evil, but God allowed it for good! This doesn’t mean I’ve made it. I still have very far to go. But I have glimpses of Hope.
How about you? Has Covid-19 got to you? Has the daily grind ground you down? Are you in a desperate situation?Maybe you can turn the tables and become a Victor, instead of a Victim! Look for Hope among the Heartaches. You may find them in the most unexpected places.
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you. – Isaiah 52:10