Author: Leung Ministries

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Of Pain, Patience, and Pearls

Lately, it’s been a challenge to stay positive. It’s been almost 4 months now and although I’m very thankful for the progress made, there is still very far to go. Right now, it’s long, tedious, and frustrating. Sometimes, doing the most common thing becomes an aggravating, humbling, and embarrassing activity.

We wanted to have some quality time with the kids and so we took them to a Bass Pro Shop store. My kids love it there. They had a great time, but before we left, my son wanted to, “Shoot the ammo,” meaning he wanted to go to the mechanized shooting range. This, in the past, was always a very enjoyable activity for us. I have always been a pretty good shot. But now, obviously, with a left-hand that simply won’t do as it’s told, I was terrible. What made it worse was that there was a young mom with a toddler right next to us, closely watching the whole thing, rather watching me miss shot after shot.

And then there’s the pain. Lately, the pain in my shoulders and back has increased to the point that it robs me of sleep. One therapist explained that after a stroke, when the body starts to recover, the brain will try to send a flood of messages to a part of the body. Sometimes, it causes all the muscles in that area to respond at the same time, causing muscle spasms and cramps. No doubt, my right side suffers also, trying to overcompensate for my left side, which has been out of commission. Explanations aside, all I know is that the throbbing pain annoys me to no end.

Yet, there has been an oasis of relief. A most thoughtful friend of mine lives in a neighborhood with a clubhouse that has a hot tub. As his guest, I am able to get into that hot tub and experience almost immediate relief. I find it better then Flexeril, Diazepam, and Extra Strength Tylenol combined. He is a blessing indeed.

All this reminds me of a couple of spiritual principles. One is that although life may be difficult, the trials can actually benefit us. The book of James reminds us to actually consider it joy when we face trials in life knowing that this testing of our faith will produce spiritual richness (James 1:2-4). It recalls the story of the oyster and pearl.

Simply put, without a source of irritation, the oyster would never produce the priceless pearl. Our natural inclination is to despise irritations and seek to eliminate them as quickly as possible. We don’t realize that it may very well be those irritations that will produce true wealth and beauty in our lives. What the oyster finds so painful and irritating, the pearl merchant finds blissful and of utmost worth. Perhaps, I should thank God for the irritations that come my way, be they physical pain or even irritating people!

Secondly, many are those who feel as though they are going through their own private desert experience. Might you and I offer an oasis of comfort and relief to them on their journey? Perhaps God wants to use us to bring someone some encouragement or relief at a very special point in their life. Let me share with you a verse that has brought us hope when things get the most difficult:

“…it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” – Isaiah 43:18-19

Thanks for reading and praying.

Tim, Lillian, Micah, and JoJo

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Shopping Cart Therapy

At the medical facility that I go to, there is a fancy and very expensive treadmill. I think this because we received a bill in the mail for one short, half-hour session: $179! Nevertheless, I actually enjoyed it and found it helpful at that time. It had heavy duty straps to catch me in case I fell. It had many different speeds and alternating programs. I had a therapist watching me, helping me adjust, and walk more correctly. But I only got to use it a couple of times. However, praise God, I found something that I like just as much, or even better. Shopping carts!

They are perfect! If I get a good one, they’re smooth, they can carry my children, and I can use them for support … and shopping! Meanwhile, I can work on trying to make my left foot walk like my right. Before, I used to flop my left foot out much like one of those horses trained to “do math”. You know, “Mr. Ed, how much is 2+2?” And then the trained horse stomps his front foot four times.

So now, I’m pushing a shopping cart around the store thinking, “Heel-toe, heel-toe,” mentally reminding myself to pick up my left foot so as not to drag my toes when it goes forward. At the same time, I’m trying to put my foot down gracefully, so as not to fling my foot out and flop it down much like dear Mr. Ed. Imagine, a shopping cart! Why didn’t I think of it before?

It’s amazing what one can make do with, especially with a little resourcefulness and creativity. I actually prefer the shopping cart over the big, expensive machine. It reminds me of what the Apostle Paul said, “I have learned the secret of being content in all circumstances.”

Let me quote the passage:

…I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:11-13 (NRSV)

Notice that contentment does not come naturally. It has to be learned. After going through extremes in life and ministry, Paul eventually learned the secret of contentment. What is the key? The revelation that, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.”(1 Timothy 6:6) So these two passages show us that contentment is not found in neither circumstance nor monetary wealth.

We, in America, spend a lot of energy wishing, “if only.” “If only I was thinner, if only I was richer, if only I had another week paid vacation… if only.” I would finally be happy and content if only…

Right now, I’m faced with a whole lot of things that are impossibly difficult for me to do; things that three months ago, I could do without a second thought. The big question is, can I be content even with my limitations? The ironic thing is that each of us, rich or poor, single or married, young or old, able-bodied or a stroke victim, must ask ourselves the same question: With my current abilities, resources, AND limitations, am I content? In other words, “Is the fact that God is aware of my circumstances enough for me to quit with the ‘if-only’s and just trust him here in this moment?”

This of course, does not mean we do not strive for excellence or to improve ourselves, (I would be a fool to resign myself to passivity). But just for me to be aware that He is aware should be enough for me to accept my current circumstances and be content today. God, my all-wise, all-knowing, and all-loving Shepherd knows what I need, knows what I want, and has chosen to provide me with everything I have at this moment. ”He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters” – Psalm 23:2.

Contentment, true contentment, can be ours! It’s a matter of trust. But surely, there are needs that we have. How then, do legitimate needs and contentment coexist? I believe the book of Philippians gives us the answer.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God (contentment), which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

Appreciate you all.

Tim

P.S., Please pray for me. I have been experiencing increasing shoulder and arm pain that keeps me from rest and rehab.

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Are We There Yet?

stroke of grace pianoThe Doldrums. Around the equator, sailors are notoriously afraid of the Doldrums. It's where the intense heat of the direct sun causes the air currents to go straight up, and very little wind at all moves across the ocean. That's kind of what I feel like now. The last few days and weeks, I've experienced increasing pain in my back and shoulders. I'm grateful for the progress God has given me, but sometimes it seems awfully slow. I tried to pick out a left-handed scale on the piano, and what was once effortless, now is ridiculously beyond difficult. The Doldrums: no steady wind to keep me going, no brisk breeze moving me quickly over metaphorical waves; any rapid progress grinding to a painful halt. Doldrums.
 
My wife's favorite part in a movie is the montage. In a montage, there is a significant period of time that is captured by brisk action sequences with motivational music. Often, it displays slow and painstaking growth that takes place through sheer determination and effort. I often wish life was like a montage, but people say it's more like a marathon. They are probably right. I get it. Patience and perseverance, right? But why does it have to take SO LONG? I have a therapist, who in a very belittling tone, told me that walking was not at all important, that it was all about strength training! I wish she was right. I wish that with just my intense human effort, I could will my muscles to do what I want them to do, and it would just be one big inspiring montage.
 
However, it's not that simple.Trying to play a scale with my left hand is like trying to type with your fingers duct taped together and your hand in an oven mitt, and then just for kicks, have someone drop a hammer onto your fingers so they're swollen, black, and blue. Oh yes, then try to do it stone drunk. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I simply hit an invisible wall. It's like there is simply nothing there.
 
Now if current theories about neuroplasticity or neuroregeneration are correct, then that kind of makes sense. The pathways that were there before simply are not... and so the brain has to blaze new trails through wilderness territory. If that is so, then strength training really is a misnomer because it's the brain that has to do the work. I find that what was simply impossible a week ago strangely becomes assessable today. Now, my will and desire has not changed in a course of a week, the only difference is Time. It seems that my brain just needed time to connect the dots. It reminds me of that old Supremes song: "You can't hurry love, You just have to wait, 'Cause love don't come easy, No it's a game of give-and-take." 
 
There's more truth to that song than first meets the eye (or ear). The Bible tells us that God is love (1 John 4:8). And when all is said and done, it is ultimately God (Love) who will bring me back to health in His time. Sure, I can do my part, but then it is He who needs to change the cells in my brain so I can access the faculties the stroke has stripped from me. Since God is Love, I can then take a fresh look at 1 Corinthians 13. "Love is patient, love is kind ...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails," and neither does my God. When I feel like I've hit a wall and there is no wind to fill my sails, I must trust that somehow, some way, God will make the impossible possible. "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." - Isaiah 43:19 
 
During these times of "the Doldrums," perhaps I need to learn to rest in His timing and care. "The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul." - Psalm 23. The tough question I need to answer is - Do I trust him? Even when progress is excruciatingly slow and I've exhausted all remnants of energy, do I trust my Shepherd?  
 
"Surely none who wait for You will be put to shame." Psalm 25:3a
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Re-Establishing Healthy Patterns

Once upon a time, my kids looked forward to brushing their teeth before bed. They even had a catchy Elmo song to go with it. Once upon a time, Micah had a worship time with us before going upstairs for the night. Once upon a time, my kids liked listening to Bible stories before going to sleep. But that was once upon a time before I had the stroke.

After the stroke, everything got turned terribly inside-out and upside-down. All the good habits we had tried to establish were gone. In all the confusion, changing schedules and faces, altered routines or no routines at all, all established patterns were thrown out the window. For the last almost three months, we have had to abandon all healthy habits for mere day-to-day survival. Chaos has become the New Normal; chaos, that is, and the raging temper tantrums of our little King and Queen when they don't get their way!
 
Sometimes, quite frankly, it's easier just to roll over and play dead. I can barely walk with the help of a big clumsy walker and my wife is always in a state of total exhaustion. Yet, for the sake of our children's future and their well-being, we have no choice but to fight and fight with everything we've got. Fortunately, we are not alone.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7.  By nature, I have never been an extraordinarily disciplined person. Neither has my wife. So now, we find ourselves in a situation where against all odds, we have to forge out some semblance of regimen and ritual. It is beyond difficult, but what is the alternative? Bad habits. Defeated lives. Wasted talent. Kids that never grow up and achieve their God-given potential.

We have no choice. Step by frustrating step, we have to forge out patterns that will lead to health, growth, and harmony. In spite of legs that wobble and a left hand that simply won't do what I tell it to, we have to overcome. So tonight, we, with all the strength and perseverance and creativity that the Holy Spirit provides, will try to carve out a reasonable bedtime routine. Please pray for us. We need all the breaks we can catch with our two very strong-willed children. (I have had to hold a raging Jojo against my chest for almost an hour until she finally calms down). 
 
Well, it's time to go and coax my kids into their new pajamas.
 
Tim
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Of Tunes, Toothpaste, and Tenacity

of tunes toothpaste and tenacityToday will probably be a tough day. I have back-to-back therapies and an acupuncture session. Physically, it does wear me out, but that’s not what’s tough. It’s the emotional and psychological beat down. Sometimes, life itself, when you interact with people, is quite disappointing. Although they mean well, sometimes people say things that discourage me. Sometimes, the perseverance to keep going is hard to find.

I was reminded of an old Boyz-II-Men song from the movie The Prince of Egypt. It’s called, “I Will Get There.” I was reminded of the song, of all things, while brushing my teeth. You see, it was a first for me. For almost three months, I had not been able to muster up enough strength in my left hand to even squeeze a tube of toothpaste. This morning, with all the strength I could, in a Herculean effort, I managed to eke out a tiny bit of toothpaste onto my brush. My wife and I laughed at the absurdity of a grown man having to try so hard to brush his teeth! It then occurred to me that this bit of progress has taken me almost three entire months. Right then and there, I’m a bit ashamed to admit, I broke down and cried.

(From the song, “I Will Get There”)

I have known a pain so deep

But I know my faith will free me

And I’ll get through this

I’ll find my way again

So don’t tell me that it’s over

‘Cause each step just gets me closer

I will get there.

 

A few moments later, my wife and I sat down to partake in communion, something that we try to do every morning before the kids wake up. We do this not just to commemorate the forgiveness of our sins, but also to fully take part in the benefits of Psalm 103. In that Psalm, not only does God forgive all our sins, he also heals all our diseases, redeems our life from the pit, crowns us with love and compassion, and even restores our youth like the eagle’s, satisfying us with good things that fulfill our heart’s desires. We want to partake in all of God’s benefits for us, not just some of them!

My wife then encouraged me by reminding me that we have an Enemy that seeks to intimidate and discourage us every step of our journey with our Lord. We need to expect his opposition and his attempts to defeat us, but we are not alone! Christ Jesus leads the way and provides us with peace in spite of problems, comfort in spite of calamity, and strength in spite of strife.

I’m reminded of the Apostle Paul who learned the secret of contentment. It is not a product of our circumstances, rather true contentment lies in inward realities that are unchanged by what happens to us. I thought to myself, right here, right now, in this moment, I actually have everything that I could possibly need from the gracious hand of my Shepherd. As Psalm 23 says, I am not in want.

I was then reminded yet of another secular song, this one by Edwin McCain. Allow me to quote:

These are the moments I know Heaven must exist

And these are the moments, I know all I need is this,

I’ve got all I’ve waited for -  and I Could not ask for more.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

And I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. – Psalm 23:5-6

Tim

P.S., As an example of God’s goodness to me, as we speak, some dear brothers and sisters have made the trek all the way from Concord to our house, just for the purpose of cleaning out our garage and helping do fix-it jobs that have accumulated. May God bless them richly!

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When the Best I can do is Pray

jojo sick

I hate hospitals. No offense to those of you in the medical profession. But lately, my times in the hospital have not been pleasant. Emergency rooms, ambulances, the fear of not knowing what might happen either for me or for a loved one ... it's nothing I like. 


The only time that I actually want to be in the hospital is to accompany my kids when they have to see the doctor. As a Dad, there's no other place I'd rather be than to comfort them and reassure them that things are going to be okay. I remember one time many years ago when I was laid up in bed and my father said to me, "Son, I wish I could take your place." Now, as a father myself, I understand his sentiment. 


Today, I wanted to go. You see, Jojo has been sick. We were concerned that she might have an ear infection. Fortunately, God provided a last-minute appointment with a pediatrician. But because I still need a wheelchair for long distances, I thought it might be too much for my wife to push me and also wrangle two grumpy little kids, one of whom is sick and complaining of ouchies in her ear. Thus, it was determined that I was not to go along with Jojo, but that my wife was to go alone. 


I felt helpless, stupid, useless, and powerless. All I could do was pray. But then again, isn't that the most one can do; to call upon the Master and Creator of the Universe and ask Him to intervene? After all, He does claim to be my Heavenly Father. If anyone would want to take care of things, surely He would. He is my Daddy, and He is NOT in a wheelchair!


I went to a Bible School where I actually got to spend a little time with the 97-year-old founder before he died. He was known for many sayings, but one went like this: When there was an administrative problem, or an obstacle, maybe people who wouldn't agree, he would often say, "Well it's time to go to the One responsible." Then he would go, get on his knees, and pray.


How about you today? Is there some obstacle in your life, some situation, some predicament for which you have run out of answers or energy or solutions? Let's go to the One who is ultimately responsible and pray.


"...If your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? ... Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." - Matthew 7:9-11 (NLT)

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Amazing Answers to Prayer

God has been providing incredible answers to our prayers, even little miracles; let me share just a few:

1.      God provides a live-in housekeeper. As you know, a few weeks ago, we hit our “wall,” and realized our need for help with the housework and children. But what could we do on our limited budget? God was already at work answering multiple prayers. Unknown to us, some dear friends of ours had an aunt who had lost her job because of a fire in the factory where she worked. At the same time, she had to relocate because she couldn’t live in her home any longer. A mere coincidence? It seems like we were a match “made in Heaven.” We offered her all that we could afford, very part-time. She, however, needing a place to live, asked if we would consider letting her stay with us so she could help us out more often. This would benefit both us and her as well, since she wouldn’t need to rent a place to stay. She was the precise solution for us and we for her! The perfect answer to all our prayers.

2. God makes the impossible probable. We had always wanted our kids to grow up with a Biblical worldview and Christian values. We thought our only solution was for Lillian to homeschool our kids, at least for the first few years. The more we thought about it, the more we realized that we were not the best suited to homeschool. What we really wanted was a biblically-based Christian environment (i.e., a good private Christian school.) But there was no way I could possibly afford it. As a professional minister, I had never come close to making that kind of money. 

Miraculously, Lillian received a phone call from a principal of a nearby Christian school. It seems that God may be making it possible for our kids to have the Christian environment we want them to have in their early years. Of course, we don’t want to shelter our kids forever. We want our kids to love people with different worldviews and win people to Christ. But they are just too young and impressionable at this time. God heard my prayers. He is truly an amazing God!

3. Quality Time. Since the stroke, I often felt that I was missing out on quality time with my children because of my disability. I told the Lord I really would love some special quality time with my kids. Well, God answered that prayer too! By “happenstance,” we found the most perfect, private spot for us to enjoy the Fourth of July fireworks. We were so excited and the kids were ecstatic. Lillian said it was the best fireworks show she had ever been to. Thank Heaven for little favors. God is so good!

Tim

P.S., We have lots more answered prayers and new difficult challenges, but I need to save something for next time. 🙂

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When the Night is the Darkest …

Dear Beloved Friends and Family,


It is said that when the night is the darkest, the light shines the brightest. Thank you for shining into our lives! God bless you!


No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father. – Matthew 5:15-16


Tim & Lillian

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Pleasant Places

pleasant placesMy wife blessed me the other day. Because of my stroke, I am currently quite disabled and need her help almost all the time. Therefore, when I saw a golden opportunity to be close to both my children at once, I requested her help and she blessed my socks off!

My little four-year-old adores the tablet his Uncle Jonathan gave us. Micah actually climbed into bed with me and began playing a video game, interacting with me as we took turns. At the same time, I noticed my little girl sprawled out on the floor drinking her milk. I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have both children in my arms at the same time? And so my wife blessed me, picked up our daughter and put her in my left arm. So there we were, my boy on my right, my girl on my left, all watching animated Korean videos of their latest cartoon favorite, singing children’s songs in English. That might be the closest to Heaven on Earth!

Now I realize that some may think, “Tim must be in massive denial! He’s just putting on a good front, but he must be depressed, despairing, and rageful.” That’s what I would think. Let me try to put this objectively. Yes, it is true that I cannot do 90% of what I took for granted two months ago; however, every other day, loving and caring people come by with tenderly prepared meals. We are actually exhausted from talking to the many, many friends who want to visit, help, pray, and babysit for us. (Don’t take it the wrong way, we love you!) Even though Lillian and I have not been able to work for months, God has not stopped providing for our every need.

Sure, there may be some things I don’t have, and we are thinking about selling possessions and downsizing, but we literally have more than we need. We are spending time together as a family, trying to improve our relationships, all the while, being surprised by the audacious kindness of individuals like you! Not a day goes by that God does not remind us of His perfect and intricate care, even sending therapists to my home. As a result, I am getting stronger almost daily.

I’m still praying that God would make me a better man, yes, even a healthier man post-stroke than before. Just between you and me, I’m praying for a miraculous 125% recovery. (I know that would be hard to quantify, but that’s what I’m praying for). Some of you may laugh. I don’t blame you. But seriously, when I look at how good I have it now compared to two and a half months ago, I am reminded of this beautiful passage of scripture in the Psalms:

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance…m

because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,

nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

You make known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand. - Psalm 16:5,6,10,11

What can I say? …. I am blessed!

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Special Thanksgiving

Special Thanksgiving:

·      I’m getting stronger every week! I would be getting stronger every day if it were not for my battle with gout, but praise God this round of drugs plus my own special diet* seems to be taking effect. In fact, I just got done taking a short walk around my living room without a cane! My speech is getting faster and less slurred all the time. I’m even seeing some small improvements in my left hand. Right after the stroke, all I had in my left hand was a two centimeter movement in my index finger. I gave myself a challenge yesterday and even managed to open our front door with my left hand. Of course, my grip strength is still not there, but I can actually hold an empty water bottle and if you listen carefully enough, you can actually hear the faintest crinkle when I squeeze my very hardest! God is good.

Special Prayer Request:

·      I would like the cooperation of my diabetes doctor.  Ironically, before the stroke, I had lost 40 lbs in a relatively short period of time. I did this through a low carb high fat (LCHF) diet with intermittent fasting. I was inspired by some best selling books, The Diabetes Code and The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung. Unfortunately, my diabetes doctor wants me to get on a plant-based diet. I have a problem with this. For starters, a strictly plant based diet is not Biblical (Gen 9). Secondly, and most frustratingly, he suggests that I get my protein from plants. The problem with this is that plant protein always comes with carbs, and when I’ve tried even whole grain foods, such as quinoa and brown rice, my numbers always go up. I would like my diabetes doctor to work together with me in accordance Dr. Fung’s Intensive Dietary Management (IDM) Program. Please pray that he will have an open mind and work with me in this endeavor.

* I’ve been trying to eat as many “brain healthy” and acid-reducing foods as possible such as nuts, avocados, fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, chia seeds, etc. Surprisingly, the gross generalizations that we have been taught concerning gout do not hold true when you isolate individual food items. For instance, did you know that a 100 g portion of tuna has 290 mg of uric-acid producing purines? Even chicken breast and salmon have 175 mg! Contrarily, beef brisket has only 79 mg, and pork shoulder has only 81 mg. Tofu, our family favorite, has only 68 mg.