As Whitney Houston used to sing, “I have nothing, nothing, nothing… if I don’t have you.”
I can relate, but more in a spiritual and existential way. People say you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone. In retrospect, I didn’t realize how blessed I was. For about 28 years, I made my living by singing, playing the piano, and encouraging people with God’s Word. I worked with fellow musicians and artists, talked with an awful lot of young people, spoke at camps and conferences, and witnessed God’s mighty hand at work. Sure, there were exasperating board meetings, difficult people, and lots of gossiping and politicking behind my back. But then again, I got to visit people in the hospital and in nursing homes, cook meals for the elderly, and put on carnivals for little children. I was able to participate in service projects to beautify places of worship. I put on barbecues and activities for the young. I was there for all kinds of celebrations and get-togethers, you know, birthdays and graduations, weddings, and parties… a lot of parties. A pretty good gig, if you look at it that way!
Now, life as I knew it is gone. I can’t play the piano or sing well. I struggle with balance, strength, and endurance so much, that I can’t even do the simplest fix-it projects. I honestly expected to be 100% recovered by now, but I’ve only just begun to use my left hand in a feeble, clumsy and pathetic way. Pretty much every day, I struggle with some painful side effects directly and indirectly related to the stroke, from wrenching shoulder pain to crippling gout, from sleepless nights caused by excessive urination to terrible mouth sores, from extreme constipation to uncontrolled diarrhea (often only hours apart). I’ve never used this many pain medications in my life!
But you know, everything I had in the past was really given to me by God in the first place. A few of you may remember that I was a very different person as a child. Clumsy, socially awkward, I would have such terrible panic attacks that I would actually throw up at the most embarrassing of times. Once, I got so nervous playing softball at school that right in the middle of my turn at bat, I had to run behind the backstop, throw up, and then run back, pick up my bat and wait for the next pitch. True story. Another time, in middle school, near the end of my oral report, the entire class heard what sounded like a door knocker going crazy. It was actually my knees pounding together under the desk, loud enough for everyone to hear!
Though my family went to church, my relationship with God was secretive at best, non-existent at the worst. If someone had told me that someday I would make my living speaking and singing about God in front of people, I would never have believed them. But then, one summer before my senior year of high school, I realized I had to stop running away from God and instead, experience sweet surrender to Him. Though it was terrifying, I remember telling God that I would be willing to do anything He wanted, even if it meant ending up in a cannibal’s pot or cleaning toilets full time. I thought my young life was over, but then God filled my heart and mind with such love, peace, joy, and confidence, it radically changed me and the direction I was going. I knew God was going to take care of me and that His will for my life would be the most abundant and fulfilling one possible.
After this, God began opening doors for me to speak, sing, and play music in public. As my education grew, so did my opportunities to serve Him. I became increasingly comfortable in front of people and rather enjoyed the work of the ministry. I loved nothing more than communicating to people through word and song, the hope, love, and meaning that Jesus Christ could bring. For almost 30 years, that was my purpose in life and surprisingly, even my main source of employment.
Then on the very day that I addressed an auditorium full of little children about placing their trust in Jesus, a stroke shattered that life I knew. This most grueling and humbling test of faith has in some ways, reduced me back down to nothing. One could easily argue that I have far less ability now than when I was 17.
Job 1:21 has never been more profound. “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will leave this life. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
What do I do now? Professionally, I am stripped to the bone. All those wonderful gifts and abilities the Lord gave me, He has now taken away. What now?
Now, perhaps is the time for me to go back to the fundamentals. I must not focus on what I can do for God, but on who I am as His child, not on my contribution, but on my character, not on my Facebook followers, but on following the Faithful One. I must wrestle with the most foundational questions of self-worth, purpose, and fulfillment, and in this, my “dark time,” find answers in Christ alone.
“Jesus saves!” Is He enough to save me now?
Sometimes my kids look for “buried treasure,” untold riches hidden in dark and secret places. I believe Jesus speaks of such through the prophet, Isaiah: “And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord …” – Isaiah 45:3 (NLT)The most profound blessings of God can only be found in the darkest places of suffering.
Happy Treasure Hunting!