Stroke of Grace: Health Updates

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Homecoming

I finally came home the other night. You think that I would just be really happy to come home, but I was a mixed bag of complex emotions. Would my kids look at me differently? How about my in-laws? I'd now have to go back to a daily routine, but I was a completely different person. In addition to this, I was struggling with anger and bitterness, not at the stroke itself mind you, but I had put my trust in three of my therapists to advocate for me and to speak up on my behalf. Every one of them looked me directly in the face and said that I could count on them. But when the time came for them to fulfill their promise to me, none of them said a single word in my defense. I felt thrown under the proverbial bus. What should I do? An opportunity for vengeance came when we had a meeting with the head of Human Resources. I wanted to name names and do my best to get them fired, but fortunately an old friend of mine showed up and helped me realize that for my own health and God's kingdom, I needed to forgive and move on.


I was happy to be on my way home and it felt like a momentous occasion, albeit I was still woozy and in a fog from the heavy duty medications. However, with parents, friends, in-laws, and energetic young children waiting for our arrival, we knew there was going to be a lot of noise and chaos in the excitement. Sure enough, instead of the warm, cozy, glowing, Thomas Kinkade-like homecoming one would expect, it was loud and confusing, cold and wet because of the rain, with people getting hungry and grouchy and Peppa Pig snorting loudly on the TV. Because of a very last minute change of plans, I, the stroke patient, actually had to help make dinner for everyone (fortunately my mother-in-law made the vegetables). I must admit, I was tempted to indulge in self-pity. But later on, as I laid there in the rented hospital bed, looking into the faces of my children for the 27th time, I was astounded at how absurdly beautiful and perfect they were. I was amazed at how readily and contentedly they accepted me even in my crippled and weakened state. I immersed myself in their closeness, their soft and tender touch, the adorable babble of their little raspy voices, and it suddenly dawned on me ... I must be the richest man in the world. 


Tim

Posted on

My Left Hand

At one time, my left hand helped me bench press over 250 pounds, reel in 30-pound tuna swimming at 50 miles per hour in the open ocean, drive a golf ball almost 300 yards (not consistently of course, but once in a while I’d get lucky), flip a crepe in the air, caress my wife and swoop up my children and sling them over my shoulders, hold a nail, help me climb a ladder, squeeze a tube of toothpaste, lay tile, wipe away a tear.  For years, I have trained it through Bach’s inventions and fugues, to be just as skillful, precise, and articulate as my right hand. Yet now, it hangs there lifeless, flaccid, and useless.


Everyday, someone comes in to my room, places two fingers into the palm of my left hand and says, “Squeeze. Try to break my fingers.” I give it all the mental concentration I can, but the fingers barely move. I don’t think they know how utterly demoralizing it is when they say, “Try! Try harder!”  I can’t hold a barbell, a frying pan, or even my child’s hand. It just hangs there like a piece of meat. They say you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone. They are right. I really miss my left hand.


Of course, it is my prayer that I will use my left hand again some day. But the progress is painstakingly slow and nothing is guaranteed. I am very thankful that God saved my right hand. Others have it far worse than I. A wonderful friend of mine had a massive stroke recently. He lost his right hand, memory, and even speech. He is much tougher than I am. He’s my hero and inspiration right now. He is much better and continues to improve. Still, it is surprising what the right hand cannot do without the left. So what can I learn from the loss of my left hand?


Do you sometimes feel like a left hand? Second string, supporting cast, deep left field? Not too long ago, I would regularly sit in a room with pastors whose congregations are numbered in the tens of thousands. Award-winning, nationally known singers and artists, men who wrote books and rubbed shoulders with movie stars. I was there, sitting next to them, but I wasn’t one of them. Do you ever feel like that? No matter how hard you try, how long you practice, what lengths you take, you’ll never ever be more than second-string. And for some reason, God chooses them over you … but never you. 

God has a special message for you. “If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.” (1 Corinthians 12:16-18). Our problem is that we see God through American eyes, that God created all men equal. But this is untrue. God is holy, just, and righteous, but He is not fair. All men (and women) are NOT created equal. Some are taller, smarter. or really good looking. There are your average-joes and your below-average-joes too. Life is not fair and God is not fair. He never claimed to be. He gives just as He wills. Some 5, some 2, some only 1. (Luke 19:12-27). Therein lies hope.

God never claimed to put everyone on an even playing field, but He loves each and every one of His children, just as He loves Jesus Christ. He has gifted each of us for a unique place and mission in His body. I suppose if one chose to be an organ of the body, a most popular one would be a heart. The heart is always glorified in song, speech, and literature. “I give you my heart.” “I love you with all of my heart.” “You break my heart.” How many would choose to be a pancreas? And yet the reason I’m in the hospital is because something is wrong with my pancreas. My body doesn’t produce the insulin that it needs. As a result, my blood sugar is high. You might say, “Tim just eats too much.” But the fact of the matter is that I lost 40 pounds before my stroke, but my blood sugar was still high. 


You might feel that you spend all your time in the shadows while others get the limelight, You’re a left hand, a pancreas, a supporting player. But if you aren’t there doing your job, the entire body will suffer. (1 Corinthians 12:26-27) The body needs you. Your world needs you, and God has gifted you to shine for Him. You are of infinite worth and value to God. God made you exactly the way He planned before the foundations of the world. You are made perfect and complete in Christ. God will never expect you to be something you were not. So if you find yourself playing second fiddle, do so with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. Don’t worry about anyone else. Play that fiddle with all of the gusto you have. God’s approval is all you need. 


Love you all,

Tim

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Mother’s Day

mother's daySunday May 12th, Mother's Day. 


Today I cried, not just a tear or two, but I broke down weeping like a baby. It was meant to be a joyous time. 


A wonderful family from Chinese Grace Bible Church was so loving that they offered to drive Lillian's parents and the kids out to come see us to celebrate Mother's Day together. We were so touched by their kindness. We got to see our kids again. Of course, I was in a wheelchair, couldn't play ball, couldn't run and chase, couldn't help them with their food. I was literally half a man. But they were here. It felt so good to hold them one at a time on my good lap, embrace them with my one good arm, and just hold them. 


But then it happened. My daughter knew it was time to go and she began to cry, which made my wife cry, and then I completely lost it. I couldn't stop the emotional pain, and the rage was incomprehensible. My wife left with the others to help get the kids in their carseats for the long drive home. I asked her to close the door behind her. Before the door completely closed, I tried to let out a scream, a wail, thinking I could release some of the anguish deep inside of me, but the stroke had affected my vocal chords. I heard a yelp, like a dog getting hit by a car, and then silence. A welling up of pain so great that even though my face was contorted, no sound came out. I just sat in my wheelchair, completely helpless in a silent scream.


I'm reminded of the Apostle Paul. He was a crazy man. He says in Philippians that he wanted to know Jesus to such a great extent that he even wanted to enter into the fellowship of Jesus' sufferings (Philippians 3:10). To know Christ's power? Sure. To know His love? Of course. To know His forgiveness? By all means. But to join with Him in His sufferings? That's crazy. Yet, here I was, trying to scream, looking for something to break, staring at the pictures of my kids that my wife had taped up around my room, completely and absolutely helpless to stop the pain of separation. And yet, there I was, experiencing just a tiny fraction of the pain of Jesus on the cross.


I don't think Jesus' greatest pain was the scourging at the hands of the Romans, the spikes driven through His hands and feet, nor the crown of thorns pressed into His brow. I think that His greatest pain, hanging there between heaven and earth as a disfigured and humiliated human being, was when He cried out, "Eli Eli lama sabachthani?" "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" He, who was with God from eternity past, was separated from God the Father. Upon Jesus was placed your sin, my sin, and the sin of the entire human race past, present, and future. The Bible tells us He became sin on our behalf, and God the Father had to turn away because He could not bear to even look at His own begotten son. Separated. Cut off. Fellowship for the first time ever, broken. For the very first time in Jesus' eternal life, His Father abandoned Him, utterly alone.


I'm so grateful the story didn't end there. On the 3rd day, in the morning, while it was still dark, God did something that would shatter all of time and history and change the destiny of the human race. Jesus rose victoriously from the grave. No one can point to the bones or remains of Jesus. The angels said, "Why are you looking for the living among the dead? He is not here. He is risen." Alive. Personally appearing to over 500 eyewitnesses, our champion comes back from the dead, proving unequivocally that death, hell, and the devil are forever defeated. All who put their faith and trust in Him, likewise, will conquer the grave. There will be a great reunion in Heaven where we will be together with all those who have gone before us and there will be no sickness, death, tears, pain, and goodbyes. 


For me, I promised Micah I would play Candyland and Wii bowling with him when I go home. I will see Him soon. But the bigger picture is that for those of us who know Christ as our personal Lord and Savior, we will dwell in God's mansion in Heaven forever and ever without end.


My deepest desire for all of you is that you and your loved ones know the assurance of where you will spend your eternity. Jesus says, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6) Please, if you haven't given your heart to Jesus yet, don't wait. Do it now. 


Love you all,

Tim

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Thankfulness

What do the following have in common? Fishing, cooking, worship leading, playing the piano, preaching, holding my kids, racquet sports, walks along the beach? They are all things I dearly love but cannot do now. The harsh reality is there is no way to know right now if I’ll ever be able to do them again this side of Heaven. All the years of practice, learning, the cost of equipment, my grand piano … could very well be useless. It is all entirely up to my Lord. “You give and take away,” (Job 1:21).


Crisis – What do I do? How do I respond? Anger? Resentment? Anguish? .. NO. Thankfulness!!


God is with me! The Lord stood by me (2 Tim 4:17). He will never leave me nor forsake me (Heb 13:5). He will never give me a temptation too great for me to bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). I know the second part of my life will eclipse the first by far.
God’s plans for us are for us to prosper, to give us a future and hope! (Jer 29:11). I am safe in His arms (Psalm 63:7). Even if I have to learn a new way of ministry, if I can do so with more patience, compassion, understanding, and gentleness, then Praise God! He cannot forget me! (Isaiah 49:15). I am God’s beloved workmanship (Ephesians 2:10). Not my will, but His be done! (Luke 22:42).


Of course, God can heal me 100% if he wants. Before this, I fantasized about selling my house and living on a houseboat … but if it took a stroke to make me a better husband, father, and servant of God, then so be it. My first preference of course is that I will regain or surpass all of my previous ability, but also with all the wonderful lessons I am learning.


One most important lesson is that life is too short and unpredictable to leave important things unsaid, so let me say that I have some of the most awesome friends and family ever. Thank you for your love and support during our time of need.

Our prayer requests:

1. Thank God for the best babysitting we could imagine that allows my wonderful wife to be by my side during my darkest and most painful time.
2. Pray that God would grant me exponentially more effectiveness in the ministry during this new chapter of life, especially evangelism.
3. Pray that God would heal me completely if that is His will, so that I could be a better father to my children and serve my wife.
4. That I would grow in humility, gratefulness, and patience in spite of success, failure, or stress.


Thank you again.

Love you all,

Tim

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Here I Am

The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part … And so Job died, an old man and full of years.” – Job 42:12-17


I am confident that God can heal and restore me completely. Whether or not that will happen, I do not know. The nights are the most difficult. Every night it is a new painful affliction that I must suffer through (Psalm 34:19): Painful cramps in my left side, muscle spasms, the most severe constipation I could possibly imagine, and then the runs.  Between therapy and getting up so many times during the night to relieve myself created twisted ankles and severe throbbing pain in my good foot. As of yet, we don’t know if it a stress fracture, gout, or something else. 


Still, every morning, I am reminded that this is the day the Lord has made, we can rejoice and be glad in it. I have so much to be thankful for. I can still think. I can still speak, although with more effort. I still have the use of my right hand. I have a wonderful family, and I have good friends like yourself. My prayer is that the second half of my life will be greater for God’s kingdom than the first. Perhaps not in numbers or grand achievements, but in Christ-like servitude to people created in God’s image.

One such man, we’ll call him Tyrone, was weeping during lunch time. We noticed that he had his leg amputated. We were able to encourage him and pray with him. He aspires to be able to witness his son’s high school graduation. God is so good. There are people to minister to all around us. Please pray for continued opportunities. There is a song that embodies my heart’s prayer. Let me finish with it:


When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,

Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,

Are you not the closest when it’s hardest to stand?

I know that you will finish what you began.

These broken parts you redeem,

Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me,

All of my life, I make an offering,

Here I am, Lord send me

Somehow my story, is a part of your plan,

Here I am

Love you all, Tim

Posted on

Waiting

Hello Friends and Family,


Thank you again for your prayers and support. We have a new prayer request: Tim has sharp pain in his left foot and knee. He thinks he must have sprained it, which is aggravating the healing process. Please pray that the doctor will take it seriously. Also pray that he will not have any more new injuries. Tim also asked me to share this message with you. Here it is in his own words:  

Waiting. That is the most difficult part. I spend most of my time in a drug-induced haze, just waiting. But that's good since when the drugs wear off, the painful cramping begins. The other night, the cramps were so painful I woke up Lillian with my screaming. The doctor told me this morning that muscle spasms are not uncommon. No one tells me what to expect ahead of time. Recovery time, expected progress, what kind of pain, and how much ability I can regain are all unknown.  Just wait, work hard, and see. That's all they say. 


Still, there are inspiring stories. I've heard the people here tell of amazing recoveries. Please pray for me that I will know when to work hard and when to rest and wait patiently. Still, I know that God has not abandoned me. He allowed me to speak with many concerning their faith. Waiting for Lillian to come back from the store, I began a discussion with a security guard, we'll call Annie. She turned out to be a believer who had married an atheist and has 4 girls, the eldest of which has told her mom that she wants to be a lesbian. We had a good time of prayer. She promised that she would go back to church this weekend. Such serendipity is no mere coincidence. God has not forgotten me.


I am confident He will use this to make me a better minister, husband, and dad, and He will open up even greater opportunities for service. Please pray for the following:


1. That Lillian will get her rest and not feel discouraged (she has an amazing peace).

2. Our financial situation in the future.

3. Knowing when to push myself and when to rest to avoid injury.

4. Micah and Jojo will know God's peace and love during this time.

5. God will heal me as He sees fit and prepare me for greater things.


"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home? When Jesus is my fortress, my constant friend is He. For His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me."


Love, Tim

Posted on

Acute Rehabilitation Hospital

acute treatment hospitalHello Beloved Friends and Family,

Last Tuesday, Tim was transferred to an acute rehab treatment facility in Modesto. I have accompanied him there and will be staying with him at the facility for the entire 2-week duration while he receives intensive therapy. We are so grateful for the many friends and family who have sacrificed time and energy to help watch our children, buy groceries for us, bring us meals, visit us in the hospital, give us financial gifts to help with bills, and pray for us. Throughout this whole journey, we have seen God's faithfulness and goodness. I have also been blown away to see Tim take every opportunity to share his faith with everyone he encountered at the hospital and now here in Modesto. Life is a gift and as long as he has breath, he is determined to proclaim the love of Jesus. Just yesterday, he encouraged his physical therapist to make peace with her mother since life is so fleeting. Today, his therapist told Tim that she heeded his advice and told her mother she loved her. So cool.
 
Please continue to pray for Tim's recovery - he has been struggling with very painful muscle spasms on his weak side (muscles in his ribs all the way down to his hip) and his left ankle/Achilles heel, which has been getting in the way of his rehab and rest. He also may have unknowingly sprained that ankle. Please pray for healing.
 
Secondly, please pray for our children who are back at home in Elk Grove without us. We have never been separated from them for this long. Please pray for God's comfort and for my parents to have the strength and grace to watch them during this time.
 
Thank you all again for your love and support. Here is another message from Tim:
 
Dear Friends and Family,
 
We are humbled by the outpouring of love and support we have been blessed with. I am often moved to tears when I think of how God supplies our needs just in time ... through you! We see an impossible situation, seemingly impassable barrier, and God answers by prompting you to come to our rescue. I am facing probably the most difficult and painful trial of my life. The stroke took away all my "big guns:" my left hand (piano), my speech (preaching), and my singing. And yet, the Lord stands by me (2 Timothy 4:17). You are the evidence of His care. I desperately covet your prayers. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5.
 
Love you all,
Tim
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How it Began

To our Friends and Family,

As you may or may not know, Tim suffered a stroke last week. We are touched by the outpouring of love and support during this time. Thank you. Here is an update from Tim himself (typed by me). He is very tired and in need of rest. We are kindly asking to limit visitors at this time to allow him to heal. We do appreciate your continued prayers for his recovery. He has lost all strength and mobility in his left side and his speech is slightly impaired, but we praise God his cognition, vision, hearing, and the right side of his body appear to be unaffected.
 
 

Dear Wonderful Friends and Family,

This to give you a quick update on my condition. Last week, on Saturday, I suffered a stroke. Initially, the prognosis was hopeful. It seemed like recovery would be a small matter of time. But as the days wore on, it was alarming that my condition got worse. We are now back in the hospital. The stroke has become much more severe. I will be transferred to a treatment facility to receive intensive rehab. I miss my kids so very much.

I don't know if I will play the piano with my left hand again, but I still have my right hand. If I play again, it would be a miracle. I have asked many pastors and elders to come pray for me according to James 5. One thing is for certain, God is a gracious and loving Heavenly Father. He is able to things beyond all of our wildest imaginations (Eph 3:20). His plans for me are only good. (Jer 29:11). I am confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. (Ps 27:13).

Please pray that I will be patient and wait upon him faithfully. Lillian can fill you in on details. I am learning many lessons - hard lessons. I've realized now that I was too impatient, too prideful. I trusted in my own abilities. I spent too much effort looking for numbers and goals, and not loving, appreciating, and enjoying the moment and the people around me. We were simply too stressed out trying to get what we wanted by our own strategies. It's time to rest.

Please do not hesitate to share the Gospel with the people around you. While trying to witness to the paramedics, I found out that one came to the Lord because his 18 year old friend died in a car accident when he was in High School. None of us know the brevity of life. 

I am tired now. Please pray for us and my little children and that I can be a witness for Jesus wherever I am. Also pray for Andrew, the paramedic who doesn't know the Lord and the following nurses Sissy, Crystal, Emma and her boyfriend, and Chris, an Asian from Stockton (all nurses who do not go to church), and Dr. Shabhazi who isn't a follower of Jesus, and many more...

 
Love you all.
Tim