Stroke of Grace: Health Updates

“Never again.” That seems to be kind of a theme every time I go to the medical building. Actually, it’s sort of a downer. The Therapists say things to make me think, “Never again will I play the piano,” “Never again will I be able to sing,” “Never again will I walk like a normal person.” Never again. Today there was a new one.

About five years ago, on a business trip to Milpitas, my ears suddenly got that clogged up feeling. Now typically, that kind of altitude change leaves one with just a temporary discomfort until one’s ears,’ “pop.” So I waited and waited, used nasal sprays and decongestants, but my ears never “popped,” instead, they seemed to get worse. Soon, I developed an awful ringing in my ear that wouldn’t go away. One doctor suggested that it was my eustachian tubes that were clogged and that there was an operation that could relieve the pressure. I put it off, continuing decongestants, not wanting to pay for an expensive operation.

Fast forward about five or six years. Since the stroke maxed out our deductible long ago, I figured that I might as well get as many things fixed as I could. That’s when I received the bad news. After a hearing test, the technician was absolutely positive that my hearing loss was not a temporary result of allergies or pressure, but a significant permanent loss probably brought on by a virus. Not exactly the news I was hoping for.

Losing some of your hearing, for most people, is not unsurmountable. But for someone who is a musician, it’s kind of like a chef losing his sense of taste, or an artist becoming blind. It was devastating news to me. “Never again.”

It just kept getting worse. The technician wanted us to bring in our 3 and 4 ½-year-old children to have them tested, just in case it was hereditary. That’s like the worst type the thing a parent wants to hear. So, what do I do now? Why did God allow this to happen?

The Bible gives an account of a family facing what they thought was a “never again” situation. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were brother and sisters, with whom Jesus had a very close personal relationship. Jesus, being far away on business, had a messenger sent to him saying, “Lazarus, whom you love, is sick.” The idea was that Jesus would come immediately and heal him before he got any worse. Jesus, however, did something very strange, he purposely stayed in the place where he was longer, seemingly ignoring the sisters’ urgent request. Why did Jesus wait?

Sometimes God allows a dream to die. It doesn’t make sense from a human perspective. If Jesus had only come when asked, he could’ve healed his friend. But by the time Jesus showed up, Lazarus was long gone. In fact, he had died and been buried for 4 days in a tomb, with a heavy stone rolled over the front.

Perhaps in the grander scheme of things, God has to allow some dreams to die in order to do even greater things. In this case, Jesus purposely allowed His friend to die so that He could arrive at the tomb, tell them to remove the stone, and speak those famous history-altering words, “Lazarus, come forth!” The fact is, Jesus wanted to do something much greater than healing someone. He wanted to raise Lazarus from the dead.

Why did Jesus allow part of my hearing to die? I don’t know. I know that he can restore me fully if that’s what He wants. He has the power and authority to do so. What I do know is this, that my Father’s plans for me are always good, always in my best interest. Let me close with these words:

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” – 1 Cor 2:9

A few days ago, we hit our “wall.” This is what marathon runners refer to when they’ve spent all of their energy and simply cannot go on. During times like these, you hear of Herculean efforts of inspiring fortitude, individuals willing their way to take step after excruciating step. This is NOT what happened to us. We just hit our wall and had an ugly fight. Period.

Lillian had given everything one could possibly give. Everything. She had nothing left. Attending a competitive high school in Southern California, then graduating with honors from Berkeley, receiving her Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Education, she was accustomed to success, passing every test with flying colors. But now, no matter how much she gave, no matter how hard she tried, it just wasn’t good enough. She had a legitimate need for appreciation and validation from me, her husband. Yet, the truth of the matter is, it wasn’t her fault. We just had an ever-increasing overwhelming list of things to do.

Overnight, she became the only capable adult taking care of three helpless souls. Everything that was previously attempted by two exhausted individuals (cooking, cleaning, laundry, chores, washing, disciplining, parenting, driving, crisis managing, etc.) suddenly was thrust upon her and her alone. On top of it, her husband that she previously relied upon, was now completely helpless, needing constant attention. She was taking him to numerous doctor appointments, therapy sessions, scheduling countless visitors, and managing volumes of correspondence, all while trying to keep up with the demands of a household, and pay the enormous list of medical bills.

She needed comfort, for me to tell her that she had done enough, but there was simply too much for any one human being to take. In the fury, we began to attack each other. A terrible thought went through my mind: that this might be a terrible blow to our marriage from which we might not be able to recover. She shut down. Afraid to push her over the edge, I did something very rare and unusual for me. I shut up. Scared and hopeless, knowing that I again had screwed things up, I sent up a prayer to the God of the impossible. “Please help us.”  

Then, something happened. She softened. I backed down. We both admitted that we were a hot mess and we simply didn’t have it in us to go on. It was then that we finally waved the white flag of surrender, gave up trying to prove ourselves, and asked God to intervene. He did.

An unexpected visitor showed up with the answer to our prayer.

Unknown to us, about a week and a half ago, God had already been answering our not-yet-spoken prayer. Moved by her daughters plight, Lillian’s mother, down in Los Angeles, came up with a very practical plan to help her far-away daughter. Why not just hire some professional help to care for our kids and chip away at the ever-growing list of undone household chores so that Lillian could get some desperately-needed sleep and assist me with my rehabilitation? Our dear friend, Beth, sent by Lillian’s mother, showed up at our door to share with us Mom’s plan.

Now by no means, are we the first in history to find ourselves in a desperate predicament requiring divine intervention. Thousands of years ago, a woman named Hagar was pregnant and alone, banished from her home, driven into the wilderness and sat down, resigned to die. But she wasn’t unnoticed. God Almighty, the “God who sees,” saw her, had mercy on her, and rescued her, eventually making her the mother of a nation (Genesis 16). Yes, the God of the Bible who went by many names is not only the God who sees, but also the God who Provides. (Genesis 22).

In the Gospel of Matthew, God describes Himself as a loving Heavenly Father wanting to provide for all the needs of His children. Jesus tells us to consider the birds of the air, that they don’t sow or reap, go to work, commute, stress over their portfolios, worry over their investments, and yet, the Heavenly Father feeds them. Jesus goes on saying that we are of far more value to God than mere sparrows. (Matthew 6)

Let me close with these well-known words, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all of these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)

P.S., As of yet, we do not know who God will provide for us. Please pray that God will find us someone honest and trustworthy, able to help us with the housework, yet someone who our kids will love. 

“Rejoice always…!?” You’ve got to be #$@&%!* kidding me! 
For about a month-and-a-half, God has been bringing to my attention the letter to the Philippians written by the Apostle Paul. It sounds almost PollyAnnic and simplistic. “Rejoice always, and again I say rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). How can a person truly rejoice under life threatening, challenging, or crippling circumstances?

Before Easter, I was able-bodied, had two strong arms and legs, could walk and talk effortlessly, pick up my children, go shopping, drive a car, engage in hobbies, play the piano, and sing. Right now, I can’t do any of them! Is it possible to rejoice? Now it is probably true that Paul never had a stroke; however, he was imprisoned and chained to two big smelly Roman guards 24/7 for years awaiting trial. This was a trial that from a human standpoint, could have resulted in his execution. He had been beaten, scourged, bitten by a snake, shipwrecked, and he went through the biggest midlife crisis ever known to man. All his early life, he had climbed up the ladder of success for a good Jewish scholar, but he threw it all away, becoming the most hated Jew of all time. And now, here he was, telling the Philippians, and all other Christians for that matter, to always rejoice…

Paul’s secret was that his joy was not based upon his circumstances, but rather, upon his perspective. 

Let me be totally honest. This past year has been the most frustrating, discouraging, and heartbreaking year for both my career and my family life, all ending in a crippling stroke! I should be depressed, despairing, suicidal, and at the very least, enraged at God. But honestly, I’ve had more tears of joy, more adventures, more answered prayers, and more little miracles since the stroke than any time that I can remember. People who I haven’t spoken to for years, people who I hardly know, and people who remain anonymous, have reached out, encouraged us, and given us gracious gifts that we don’t deserve. I don’t remember another time when I’ve ever felt so loved, supported, and prayed for. This crisis has given me a new appreciation for living, for relationships, and for the simple priceless things of life. I’ve probably told my parents that I love them more in these past 45 days than I have in the last 45 years. 

It’s true that my circumstances may still appear dire from the outside, but most importantly, I’ve learned from Paul that his motivation in life was simply to further the good news of Jesus and to pursue God’s calling on his life. Because of this, circumstances such as his personal comfort or hardship had no bearing whatsoever upon how he measured his personal success.

Likewise, I have been able to have more frank and honest discussions with others about my faith in Jesus and encourage them in their spiritual walk than in a very very long time. I am more sure of the profound Mastery of God’s infinite care, power, and love for me than ever before. Thank you so much for your prayers and generous support. 

In closing, let me quote this well-known passage from Isaiah:

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

Tim

We continue to be blessed and humbled by all your love and support. Your gifts and words of encouragement help us more than words can express. God is using you to provide for us in our darkest time. Thank you for giving to the Lord.

If you recall, I originally wanted to stay at the rehab center longer because I thought the treatment was better there. God, however, knew what He was doing. Since coming home, he has provided a doctor of acupuncture, therapy specialists, and massage therapists for me. We even have been given a TENS unit to do therapy everyday. 

God is awesome. He has not forgotten us. I am making little bits of progress everyday. Praise God for His answer to prayer. We, even “by chance,” caught an earlier ENT appointment. I am concerned about my voice, so this is great news. We have much to be thankful for.

Prayer Requests:

* The side effects from my medications: One side effect of a certain medication is gout in my right (good) foot. This is most frustrating since I was learning to walk with a hemi-walker, but the gout is so painful, I can’t even stand. Secondly, I was very happy that I lost 40 pounds before the stroke, and another 10 during my hospital stay. However, another side effect of some of the meds is rapid weight gain, and it is discouraging to see my weight come back.

* My frustration with the setbacks and slow progress.

* Please pray for Lillian as she now has to take care of 3 helpless individuals. She is not getting enough sleep and often feels overwhelmed.

* Please pray for my appointment with the ENT doctor. My voice has grown increasingly hoarse and tired.

* Pray for God’s blessing on those who have given to us so generously.

Thank you for your prayers.

Tim

I went to the store the other day. We chose one with the little electric scooters so that I could give Micah and Jojo rides and enjoy their closeness. But I noticed something peculiar. The vast majority of people in the store seemed to avoid eye contact with me. Maybe I made them uncomfortable. But I know they saw me. Many were the times that a fellow shopper quickly picked up their pace to cut me off. At the entrance to the store, I was surprised that I had to be the one to say, “Please, after you,” to about 5 irritated people who glared at me as though I was some annoying obstacle that was keeping them from their all-important shopping missions. Even with my children on board, there were a few times that I had to come to an abrupt stop or swerve to avoid being rammed by someone’s shopping cart. If shopping were a race, I was clearly disadvantaged.

But it was very different at the rehab center. There, I was eye-level with many of the other patients. My wife and I were able to engage in spiritual discussions with the nurses, staff, and other patients, of which almost all seemed more than happy to pray with me. Remember Tyrone? My wife and I had finished our lunch and noticed him sobbing, arguing with a nurse over his medication. If he had stood up, he would have easily cleared 6 feet. But now, he was confined to a wheelchair, his left thigh amputated above the knee, ending in an abrupt nub. Distraught, he was refusing his medication. My wife wheeled me up to him and I asked him a very simple question, “Would you like to pray?” He readily agreed and we had a very special moment of fellowship. 
He wasn’t the only one. There were quite a few others. What was the difference? My disadvantage in the marketplace was an advantage at the rehab center. There, I didn’t have to say, “I feel your pain,” because we were all in wheelchairs. We had all gone through a life changing traumatic incident. I tend to think that if I had bounded in there, able-bodied, with a nice tailored Italian suit, and a big Bible in my hand, that I wouldn’t have been able to strike the immediate rapport that I did. I didn’t have to convince them that I could empathize with their pain, since pain was our commonality. I was seen, as one writer put it, as a “wounded healer.” My “street cred,” was obvious, and they were more than open to what I had to say. 

How about you? Do you have a secret scar, a deep disappointment that you want to keep hidden from society? Let me encourage you, your pain might be the key to unlocking a person’s heart to God. Your wound may be the very thing that will allow you to speak words of hope and healing to another going through the same thing you did. I believe it was Oswald Chambers who said that we often want to be trophies on God’s mantle piece, shiny and perfect examples of God’s material blessings. Gleaming and radiant, we want to shout to others, “Look at me! Look at how God blessed me!” but this really attracts no one to Christ. For the person suffering some deep pain, alone and ashamed, maybe what they will respond to is another wounded traveler who will come alongside them and share with them words of hope. Maybe they need you to be their wounded healer. After all, isn’t Jesus the best example of one? 

“He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)

Tim

“Think positive,” That’s what the therapist said. “You’ve been through a terrible tragedy. You are grieving an awful loss. Don’t let it suck you down a hole of despair …  Think positive.” In actuality, since she put it that way, it’s actually very hard to think positive. The truth of the matter is that one way or another, all of life in this world ends with grief. If one dies young, it is an awful tragedy. If one dies old, one becomes a wrinkled, feeble shell of what one was. The statistics are clear, 1 out of 1 people die. 

If one’s basic presupposition is that there is no God, and we are all products of random chance, then there really is no way to think positive. We are nothing more than animals and there is no meaning to this life other than to engage in as much narcissistic pleasure as you can before one dies. There are at least two problems with this viewpoint: 1) All happiness is based upon circumstances and cannot last for any significant amount of time. In other words, happiness is fleeting. 2) If success is gauged by happiness, and happiness is based upon things and circumstances, then you’ll always be able to find someone who is happier than you. Simply put, if there is no God, there is no way one can be a realist and think positive. 

If, however, one believes in the God of the Bible, then as I always say, “For the Christian, the best is always yet to come.” The reason I can be positive is because I believe in the Jesus of the Bible, the Jesus who resurrected and appeared to over 500 eyewitnesses, the Jesus who fulfilled countless prophesies against astronomical odds, the Jesus who created the millions of galaxies in the universe and yet fashioned the tiniest cell that makes up my beautiful little daughter, and the Jesus that transforms lives everyday. I believe in the God who knows every detail of my life who saves every tear that I cry and who is my personally loving Heavenly Father. Allow me to quote Him: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) 

To just think positive is ludicrous without an objective reality. I can, however, be positive simply because I know my God loves me and will take perfect care of me no matter the circumstances.

“Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know, I know who holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives.”

Tim

I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you very much to all of our friends and family who have given, sacrificed, gone the extra mile, babysat, gave us financial gifts, ran errands, cooked us meals, and more.  You are all so awesome. It is a humbling and touching thing for us to be recipients of your grace and love. 
I’d like to take this moment to share some thanksgivings and prayer requests:

• I’m thankful that I seem to be getting stronger everyday. My articulation is good, with just a tiny bit of slurring when I’m tired. Of course, I don’t speak as fast as I used to. They say that the big muscles come back first. The fingers, however, will come back last.  I am concerned about my left hand if I’m to play piano again. Please pray for my recovery.
• I thank God for my wonderful wife who stood beside me night and day. Please pray for her to have supernatural strength and wisdom.
• I’m grateful to God for my kids. They are surprisingly resilient and don’t seem to be bothered that Daddy is weak. They are confident that Jesus will make me strong again.
• Please pray for my upcoming doctor’s appointment. I need an Ear Nose Throat doctor to take a look at my vocal cords and the ringing in my ears.
• Pray also for my speech therapy since God was so gracious to preserve most of my speech. I’ve already surpassed the level of most speech therapists; however, I have unique concerns since I speak and sing for a living. We are not sure if the insurance will cover the therapy with the voice specialist. They are hard to find and we may have to go to San Francisco or UC Davis.
• Since our God is the God of the impossible and can perform miracles far beyond our wildest imaginations, please pray that I will be an even better husband, father, and minister than I was before.
• Lastly, please pray that God will heal me so completely that someday I can even go without the heavy duty medications.  

Thank you again! God bless you.

Tim